Support with parenting toddlers and preschoolers

Parenting themes: tantrums, emotions and boundaries

When parenting your toddler or preschooler, you regularly run into challenging situations. You want to respond calmly, clearly and lovingly, but in daily life that is not always as easy as you would like.

Tantrums, anger and intense emotions can ask a lot of you. On this page you can read what is normal in this phase, why parenting can feel heavy and when parent guidance can help.

Do you recognise this behaviour in your toddler or preschooler?

This can bring up doubt: am I doing this right, and is it normal that parenting feels this hard? You are not alone in that.

• A tantrum exactly when you need to leave
• Wanting to do and decide everything independently
• Not listening, even though you have asked several times
• Struggles around getting dressed, eating or going to bed
• Quickly becoming angry, sad or overstimulated

What is normal behaviour in toddlers and preschoolers?

Toddlers and preschoolers are in the middle of an intense developmental process. They want to do more and more themselves, while their brain is still learning to handle emotions, boundaries and impulses.

What feels small to us can feel very big to a toddler or preschooler.

• A strong will and a clear no-phase
• Big emotions that change quickly
• A need for closeness and independence at the same time
• Becoming overstimulated quickly, especially at the end of the day
• Difficulty with social skills or waiting for their turn

Why can parenting feel so heavy?

Parenting is not only guiding your child. It also asks you to regulate yourself when there is hurry, tiredness or tension.

• Morning rush
• Tiredness at the end of the day
• Emotions rising high within yourself
• Little room to recover yourself
• Pressure from your environment or your own expectations

What does a tantrum mean in a toddler or preschooler?

Your child cannot yet put into words very well what they feel, but the body does show it. This can look like crying, screaming, getting angry about small things or becoming very busy.

In those moments, your child mainly needs someone who stays calm and helps them regulate again. Would you like to go deeper into this? Also read the page about dealing with toddler tantrums.

How do you set boundaries without struggle?

Boundaries give your child structure, clarity and safety. They are not a rejection, even though your child may sometimes experience them that way.

For example: "You are still having a lovely time playing. Still, we are going home now." Or: "You may be angry, but you may not hit me."

• Stay calm and clear
• Briefly explain what is happening
• Do not argue during an emotion
• Do connect with your child's feeling

When can parent guidance help?

Sometimes there are days when you are mainly surviving: the same struggles again and again, little calm and a lot of doubt about your approach. Then it can help to look together at what is underneath the behaviour.

My name is Lisanne Stouthart. In my practice Balans en Opvoeden in Amstelveen, I guide parents of toddlers and preschoolers who long for more calm and harmony at home.

In the guidance process we look together at:

• Your child's behaviour
• What lies underneath that behaviour
• Your response as a parent, without judgement
• How you can bring more calm and clarity
• How your child can experience more ease